Meeting in Session

U of A basketball coverage has been pretty quiet lately. Sure the papers have run a story here and a story there, but with Tiger in town and the 'Cats coming off two consecutive home losses, you can't blame our battle-scarred beat writers for taking a breather from what has to be the most difficult season to write about since, well, last year. Among the articles that did get written, however, were a couple of RPI explanations, an "the ASU game is more important than oxygen" piece or two, and this report on the team's third (yes, third) "players-only meeting."

So the boys needed another opportunity to "talk about their problems." I'm okay with that. Sure, the thought of Ivan Radenovic and Mustafa Shakur re-enacting the "it's not your fault..." scene from Good Will Hunting is a little disconcerting, but hey... if it translates to wins, I'm all for it.

And if the group therapy works for them, why not us? Well, that's the exact question I had in mind when I attended a "fans-only meeting" this past week. The following is a rauraur.com exclusive taken first hand from the event:

Those invited to this fan-tastic event included:

• Louis Brightside
• Junior Highstar
• He With Blind Faith
• Gus McChickenlittle
• Fanny Fairweather (no show)
• Wayne Tilnessyear
• And special guest, Greg Hansen

After the meet-and-greet and refreshments hour (unfortunately, nobody brought the delicious Kool-Aid that was drunk in high quantities during the preseason get-together), everyone gathered in the banquet room so the ceremony could start. The following is a transcript from the event.

Louis Brightside: Good evening and thank you all for coming to the Arizona Wildcat "Fans-only...

Gus McChickenlittle: Before we get this started, I'd just like to say that if it weren't for the free booze and the chance to win one of those "the Girls of Bison Witches" calanders, I can guarantee ya I wouldn't be attending this funeral. Are we seriously going to spend the next couple hours discussing our sorry excuse for a basketball team? Y'all smell like death.

Louis Brightside: You are certainly entitled to your opinion, Mr. McChickenlittle. But we must stay on track.

Gus McChickenlittle: "Track?" Track... You know, you got a point there. What we should be following is the track team. At least they aren't a bunch of good-for-nothing-quitters.

Louis Brightside: Yes, well... very well...um, our first order of business regards travel. Assuming you can only choose one, which game or group of games do you plan on traveling to: the Pac Ten Tournament, the first round of the NCAA tournament, or the Final Four? I, for one, think we should put all our eggs in the Atlanta basket. I realize that the Pac-10 Tourney is our only "sure bet" but I strongly believe that if...

Gus McChickenlittle: Now hold it right there. You got to be kidding me, Louis. Atlanta? This team ain't going to Atlanta!

He With Blind Faith: How can you possibly say this team won't make the Final Four?

Junior Highstar: That's easy, my man. It all comes down to the fundamentals. This team isn't getting in the three-point stance. They ain't boxing-out or squashing the bug. You think they're running "the old picket fence" and doing wall sits on Tuesdays? Heck no. They're watching the paint dry, eh Gus?

Gus McChickenlittle: Don't touch me.

Louis Brightside: Excuse me, but we need to get back on track. Would anyone else like to weigh in on the issue of travel?

Wayne Tilnessyear: I'm not buying tickets for any of those games, not a one...

Gus McChickenlittle: Damn right!

Wayne Tilnessyear: ...nope, because I'm saving my money for next season. I can't wait. Jarryd Bayless is going to be Mike Bibby plus Gilbert Arenas cubed!

Fanny Fairweather: Hey, sorry I'm late...

Louis Brightside: Please everyone, can we stick on topic. We're talking about this year's squad, not next.

Fanny Fairweather: Hey, look at the time, gotta go. Maybe I'll get a drink for the road. Say, do we have anymore of that Kool-Aid?

Entire room in unison: NO!

(Awkward silence)

He With Blind Faith: I know this is against the rules but I choose to go to every destination possible plus the Sweet Sixteen, Great Eight, and next week's Bay Area trip. Just the chance to see Chase Budinger on the same court as Marcus Williams is something I'll tell my grandkids about.

Gus McChickenlittle: You're grandkids are going to be a bunch of light-in-the-loafer'd bed-wetters if you raise 'em with those kind of aspirations.

He With Blind Faith: Hey, that's uncalled for...

Junior Highstar: Yeah, if my son played defense like Chase Budinger, I'd make him do up-downs till he soiled himself in shame.

He With Blind Faith: His defense isn't that...

Wayne Tilnessyear: We should just cut our losses and start building for next year. I can't stand this team.

He With Blind Faith: But in the tournament anything can...

Greg Hansen: Mike Stoops is a terrible football coach.

He With Blind Faith: I WILL RIP OUT YOUR TRACHEA!!

Wayne Tilnessyear: Oh my god, He's got a knife!!

Louis Brightside: Yes, well... um, that concludes our... um, could somebody dial an ambulance?

...

Let's hope the players-only meeting was a little bit more productive...

Bear Down and beat the Sun Devils