We are...Haugh-ty

If I were to compile a list of the greatest University of Arizona sporting events I have ever attended, the list would likely include the following:

• 1994 Fiesta Bowl, Arizona 29 - Miami 0 - Chuck Levy was jaw droppingly awesome and the Bruschi-led Desert Swarm didn’t allow the Hurricanes past the 50 yard line.
• 1993 Fiesta Bowl Classic, Arizona 119 - Michigan 95 - The “Fab Five minus Webber” were embarrassed thanks in no small part to Reggie Geary’s defensive efforts against Jalen Rose. Geary aggravated him so much that, at one point during the game, Rose went to the line to shoot some crucial technical foul free throws and missed both. “Nice shot, buddy” never sounded so good.
• 1994 Great Eight, Arizona 91 - Missouri 70 - The ‘Cats cut down the nets while I chanted “Final Four, Final Four” and begged my dad to take me to Charlotte (he didn’t and I strongly believe that is the reason why we lost to Arkansas). Could any backcourt be more enjoyable to watch than Khalid Reeves and Damon Stoudamire?
• 1998 Holiday Bowl, Arizona 23 - Nebraska 20 - Nothing can top Kelvin Eafon taking the microphone during the post game award ceremony and enthusiastically inviting his teammates to “sing our song.” Every Caucasian in the stadium (especially the sport-coated fellas in charge of the post game ceremony) found much relief when “our song” turned out to be “Bear Down Arizona” instead of that good-for-nothing gangster rap these kids are listening to nowadays.
• 2006 Football Season, Arizona 3 - LSU 45

Any Sesame Streeter could tell you which one of these games doesn’t belong. But even though we got humiliated and repercussions of the game arguably cost the team a bowl game (if Tuitama escapes that game without injury, Arizona’s record is, at worst, 8-4 instead of 6-6), the LSU experience will probably rank up with my first born son quarterbacking the ‘Cats to a national championship in 2034 as my single favorite Arizona athletics event ever. That game taught me two things. First, my rose tinted glasses are far rosier than should be considered safe for driving (oh, like you didn’t think that we were going to march into a place so ominously called “Death Valley” and defeat a team whose quarterback looks like a Madden “create-a-player“). Second, I learned how to properly treat opposing fans when they come to your campus, with the utmost hospitality. You’ve never met more cordial people in all your life. I couldn’t walk five feet without being offered a beer, delicious Cajun food, and/or someone’s 16-year-old daughter. It really was something. At one point, I was dancing to a (unedited) Lil John song (the one about the sweat dripping down Mr. John’s private parts) with a group of middle-aged women and what appeared to be a grandmother. These people really know how to party. I’m sure they aren’t as friendly when “rival” schools come to town but I swear to you, every man, woman, and child on the campus of Louisiana State University would have included me in their will if I brought it up. They are that kind.

This generosity inspired my tailgating buddies and I to adopt a new philosophy in how to treat visiting fans at Arizona home games. In so many words, don’t be a dick. Give them some food, offer them a beer, and show respect for their team (with the obvious exception of ASU fans who deserve every projectile I throw at them). For the most part, the results of this new philosophy were fantastic with one exception...

The USC game.

Let me preface this by saying that, growing up in the greater LA area, I have always possessed a deep-rooted “dislike” for USC and its fans. I wouldn’t say they are on the “my favorite teams are Arizona and whoever is playing ______” list but they’re close. But, when the “mighty Trojans” came to town, I did my best to be hospitable. I offered beers, made small talk, even complemented their team. And, just for fun, I threw a few harmless wisecracks in their direction as they walked by—nothing malicious, more like “You’re Goliath, I’m David and I forgot my sling at home” kind of stuff.

You might remember that, at the time, people were making a big deal about Brent Musburger revealing USC’s hand signals during a televised broadcast. Apparently, when quarterback John Jacob Jingleheimer Booty made the “hang-loose” sign, it was to inform his receivers that they had one-on-one coverage and the ball was coming their way. This story was all over the media and you couldn’t turn on the TV or read a newspaper without seeing it. So I figured I’d use the whole ordeal as a chance to “bond” with USC’s fans (who I assumed were just as annoyed with the media’s “much ado about nothing” routine as I was). Basically, I gave the “hang loose” sign to Trojan fans as they walked by and said “we know your moves” repeatedly. I admit, it’s a dumb joke but it kept me entertained.

What was astonishing, however, was the fact that very few Trojan fans actually knew what I was talking about. The “hang loose” scandal was a huge talking point that week and there was absolutely no way a fan of college football, let alone USC football, could miss this story. But somehow they did. Worse still was the way one USC fan responded. Rather than saying, “pardon me?” or “what in god’s name are you blathering about, drunkass?” he immediately (and I mean immediately) resorted to personal insults. Here’s a transcript of the verbal exchange:

Me: We know your moves (hand gesture)

SC Fan: ... (confused look)

Me: We know you moves, you’re going down (continued hand gesture)

SC Fan: At what age did you give up?

Me: ... (confused look)

SC Fan: What was it? High school... earlier? Grade school? Is that when you gave up hope on attending a good university? Have fun making thirty thousand less a year than me.

Me: ... (wetting my public school pants in shame)

What’s ironic is that, while he was asking me “when I gave up,” I was hanging out at the U of A’s Med School Tailgate and wearing the official Med School Tailgate T-Shirt. I, of course, am anything but a Medical Student (I just play one on game days) but if I wasn’t so pathetic at witty comebacks, I probably would have said something like, “We’ll see how soon I give up when I’m performing open heart surgery on your mom!! Because I’m in Med School... Fag!!” On second thought, I’m glad I didn’t attempt a “comeback.”

I guess, to a certain extent, my new best friend was right. By no means is Arizona the “Harvard of the West” (in fact, as I’ve said many times before, Harvard is the Arizona of the IVY League. So, any school that claims to be the “Harvard of the West, South, or Whatever” is playing a measly third-fiddle to the glorious University of Arizona). But am I alone in thinking that USC is nowhere near the level of academic reputation their alumni seem to think it is? If US News and Report ranked the top schools to obtain a Masters in Deuschbaggery, however, I’m positive USC would easily earn the top spot. And academics aside, I’d like to think that if I supported a football team as successful as USC’s, I’d make sure I knew the maiden name of every player’s mother, let alone a mass-publicized “scandal.” Not only are Trojan fans oblivious to their juggernaut of a football team’s major news stories, they’re also complete a-holes. Which brings me to my point:

USC does not deserve to have a good basketball team.

There’s a reason Los Angeles doesn’t have an NFL franchise, they’re too busy “making thirty thousand more a year” to give a rat’s rectum about anything that doesn’t stare back at them when they look in the mirror. Sadly, however, Tim Floyd has turned the Trojans into a program on the rise by recruiting fantastic athletes and running an aggravating pro-style offense that reminds me why I’ve lost all interest in NBA basketball. And how do you think SC’s fans are responding to this recent success? Well, I’m sure they’ll be giddy as gumdrops as soon as they’re finished taking the price tag off of their designer jeans.

With a football team gobbling up every prized recruit this country has to offer and a basketball team on the verge of its first top-25 ranking since god knows when (plus superstar O.J. Mayo joining the squad next season), it’s becoming dangerously possible that USC can achieve the “two sport” supremacy that I begged for in this space last week. If they do, perhaps Trojan fans will surprise me. Maybe they’ll act with the same humility and grace LSU fans displayed when I visited the paradise they call a campus last fall. Maybe they’ll be able show quiet confidence to opposing fans while displaying die-hard loyalty to their teams through the good times and the bad. I doubt it though... I know their moves.

Bear Down and beat Trojans