Blasphemous But True

I wouldn’t be going out on a limb to say that Arizona State’s men’s basketball team is downright terrible. They’re 0-6 in conference play and don’t seem to be improving. But what I am about to say may not be suitable for die hard Wildcat fans:

I desperately want the Sun Devils to improve.

I realize that well wishing the mustard and rust goes against everything a Rau Raur Rowdy holds sacred. After all, this is the school that taunted Steve Kerr — whose father had been assassinated while acting as president of the American University in Beirut, Lebanon — with chants of “Where’s Your Father?“ “PLO, PLO,“ and “Go back to Beirut.“ But let’s review our conference play before the Oregon schools came to town this weekend: a convincing win over Cal followed by a “closer than the final score indicated“ Stanford game and a huge victory over Washington followed by our second defeat of the season at Washington State. After entering this trend into the RauRaur.com space age StatAnalyzer 3000 (it’s from the future), I was shocked to find the following result: In conference play, Arizona has struggled during each week’s second game. What could be the root of this problem? Does the squad play lethargically after taking full advantage of Lucky Wishbone’s “Fried Fridays“ promotion (AKA the Isaiah Fox Factor)? Probably not, unless someone FedEx’d some fried steak fingers to the boys before the WSU game. Maybe it has something to do with unwashed headbands not sitting as tightly on the heads of Mustafa and Marcus because, like me, they wait until 25-cent Tuesdays to wash their clothes at the Suds Your Duds on Campbell. Nah, that can’t be it either. Hmmm... Do you think it has anything to do with the fact that ASU absolutely sucks?

Imagine you’re Ernie Kent and your team is getting ready for a weekend in the beautiful Grand Canyon State. Are you going to spend more time game planning ways to stop Arizona’s points-in-transition or figuring out how to beat a team that not even Walter Matthau, Emilo Estevez, or Keanu Reeves could save? It doesn’t take the UPS Whiteboard Man to explain that there is absolutely no reason to spend anymore more than five minutes preparing for ASU (by the way, I’m not sure if the UPS Whiteboard Man had a nickname in high school, but if he did, it was definitely Captain Obvious. “Wait, you’re telling me trucks can’t float? Get out!“).

I can’t believe I’m about to type this but I want ASU to stop sucking and stop sucking fast. Take UCLA and USC for example. Each deserves enough respect and attention that by the second game of any given series, opposing teams are just that much more tired and that much more unprepared. This gives the LA schools a significant advantage in this year’s cutthroat Pac 10 conference. For eight games a year, like it or not, the Wildcats are allies with ASU. But after Arizona went into Pullman last week, Lute had to feel like Patton when he first arrived in North Africa and the Brits were making the Deutsche Luftwaffe look like the Blue Angels on performance enhancers. (“You were discussing, uh, air supremacy, Herb?“).

Luckily (or should I say “luckily?“) ASU’s basketball team should improve next year with James Harden coming to Tempe and Sendek having another year to implement his system, but until then we must deal with a season of “I’d hate to follow that act.“

Oh well, look on the bright side... at least the Sun Devils come to Tucson in a week and a half. Get ready, Bagga.

Until then, Bear Down and beat the Ducks!!